No Shame, No Guilt

It has been a really great week. Within the span of a 4 days I was able to get some face time with a couple of my close friends. While, of course there is always an ongoing conversation with Kristen via text, which counts as quality communication to me because that is the way I utilize it. Well, that and GIFs. You know why this week of friending has been so great? The conversation has been on point. Things like babies, feminism, self expression, health insurance (not even kidding), and relationships. The type of conversations that remind you, you aren’t alone. Some of the topics we felt the same on, some topics we had different viewpoints. Either way, talking about all these sometimes messy and complicated issues, reminds me that we are all in this together.

One night, I was out with a couple of kick ass women. (Seriously, if you haven’t already, surrounded yourself with a few, do it. It will be life changing.) The topic of pregnancy and kids came up, and both wanted to know if I had an overwhelming need to have babies before I had Blair.

The answer: no.

Yes, Robby and I talked about kids, and we both could see kids in our future. While I knew that we would try to have kids (which we knew it wasn’t a guarantee that I would get pregnant, which is a whole other topic for a different day), I was not in a hurry. We were married for 6 years before Blair came along. When we decided to start trying, I didn’t have that “clock is ticking” feeling that is often referred to when talking about women. Does that mean I love my daughter any less? Absolutely not. She is one of the best people I know. It seems like an overall societal assumption that all women have some natural rush to procreate.

When I expressed this to my friends, you could see the relief wash over their face. They were both so glad to know they weren’t alone. They talked about feeling guilt or like there was something wrong with them because they didn’t have overwhelming urges to have babies. And I get it. I understand why a woman would feel guilty or shameful about something like this. Women are basically conditioned from the beginning that we are supposed to have babies. I mean, really. Have the men in your life been asked if they feel like their clock is ticking? My guess is no. Of course, there are stipulations for women having babies: Don’t have them too young. Don’t have them too old. Don’t have too many. Don’t talk about infertility. Don’t talk about miscarriages. Breast feed, but not in public. The list could go on.

Most of all, woman should never feel shame or guilt about anything involving their reproductive organs.

I can only talk about my experiences with pregnancy and momhood. And I know not all women think and feel how I do. Some women feel like they would be incomplete without kids. And that is cool. But for those of us who don’t? It is still cool. Can we all just take a moment to realize all women are different? And that is awesome. I have friends who had that big desire to have kids and couldn’t wait to be a mom; some who have kids but it was a big decision; some who don’t want to have kids; some who wanted kids and tried for many years (who are still trying), and struggle to get pregnant; some friends chose to adopt. And it is ALL cool. We are all different people, and we are all allowed to feel these big life things differently. (Shocking, I know.)

The whole idea that all women have the same baby urges because we have a uterus, is simply archaic thinking. It is nothing we sould feel guilty about. (Easier said than done most of the time, amirite?) Most of all, woman should never feel shame or guilt about anything involving their reproductive organs. End of story.

(BTW, if you have faced infertility, and would want to share your experience on Real Always Wins, let us know. It is a tough topic. One worthy of being talked about. if anyone has the desire to share their story, we would love that!)


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