It took me a long time to come to terms with my own style of feminism. Being labeled a tomboy most my life made me feel like I was missing some essential female gene; somehow I was inferior or wrong in my passion for athletics and disinterest in fashion. I mean aren’t we kind of taught through media, retail stores, (and let’s be honest, our grandmas) that girls are supposed to be prim and proper? We are supposed to like pink, dresses, cook, shopping, be seen but not heard, etc…Most women probably know what I am talking about on some level. There are all these arbitrary boxes set for us, and in order to be a good woman, those boxes must be checked.
And if you do like those things, that is awesome! I am so glad there are women out there who do like shopping and makeup because they help me. I am so glad there are women out there who love to cook because I love to eat the food they cook. The point is, girls and women shouldn’t feel like there is something wrong with them if they don’t check those typically “female” labeled boxes.
Another box I never checked was the “baby fever” box. I never been a woman who sees a baby and must hold the baby. I know there are a lot of women out there who love to hold new babies, and they are so good at it. I truly admire them. But not me. Please don’t hand me your newborn; I will most definitely decline. In fact, babies freak me out. C’mon they are so tiny, right? And I know there are other women out there like me. Like by some inherent nature, all women are supposed to be comfortable and know what to do with babies. Not true. I tend to get nervous and kind of sweaty when handed babies that aren’t mine. Well, maybe even sometimes with my own too. Despite this, I knew someday, if it worked out, I wanted kids. There was just no rush.
When I was younger and thought about being a mom, I thought I would do waaaaay better as a mom of boys because I had always been labeled a “tomboy”. I would joke about how I wouldn’t know what to do with girls, and boys would somehow be easier. (truth time: no matter the gender of your children, parenting is hard work, amirite?) So anytime I envisioned my future family, it was always with two boys.
Then I had a daughter. At first when I found out I was having a girl, I thought I was clearly unfit to be a mom of a little girl. I was terrified I would somehow let her down. I hardly own any makeup. I don’t really know how to do hair. Of course she came out with curly hair; I don’t know how to take care of curly hair! My wardrobe consists of three colors, white, black and grey. What if she loves pink?! (Spoiler: she does love pink and having her nails painted) But through her, I learned (am still learning) a lot about myself as a woman and a mom. I am allowed to be myself because when I am myself, that is the best version of me I could ever give my daughter. Letting her see my real self, and not some facade of what I think I should be is the best example I can show her. Because what I want most for her is for her to be her most authentic self.
Realizing that being a good mom to my daughter had nothing to do with the clothes I wore, my interests etc…the vision of my family started to change. Here was this curly hair toddler girl knocking down all my preconceived notions of myself and motherhood. She rocked my world. Being her mom is easy; I mean it is hard as shit work parenting a kid, but mothering my daughter is awesome. So awesome that now it’s hard to imagine even having a boy.
So when I found out I was pregnant again, I didn’t need a test to know we were going to have another girl. I knew we were destined for girls; although, the test did confirm it.
Two girls. A life I never envisioned for myself, but one I couldn’t be more thrilled about. More passionate about. It wasn’t until my early 30s that I started to understand my brand of female. It has taken a lot of hard work and self reflection to get here. So it is pretty fitting that I would have two daughters to help raise into strong women. I don’t know if you have noticed the female revolution going on right now, but there is a lot of important work being done. Important work that I am happy to play my small part. A part that involves speaking up about situations instead of sitting quietly. A part that involved raising two girls who will also know their voice matters, and they should speak up and take up space. I will have my own Feminist Fight Club right in my house! There can never be too many badass women in this world, and I can’t wait to see what these two little girls grow into and how much they teach me along the way.
There is a funny dynamic when people find out you are going to have girl – let alone more than one girl. Comments like we better start saving for the weddings, and just wait until she is a teen. Like their only goal in life will be marriage? How about we save college, or studying abroad, or whatever dreams they have. And duh, teens are supposed to push limits. It is called growth.
A lot of comments revolve around the dad. Like “poor guy” type of attitude. “A house full of women…good luck to him.” If I am being honest, it kind of makes me crazy. Like my husband would for some reason be disappointed about having all girls? For the record, Robby is just as thrilled about another girl as I am. There was never a hint of disappointment in not having a boy. When we found out it was another girl, he literally couldn’t stop talking about it.
You will not hear me say “poor Robby” because he is going to be the only male in the house. Robby gets to live in a house of 3 girls/women who adore him. As much as I have found myself through Blair, having a little girl has rocked Robby’s world in the best way too. He is more aware how his life experiences are different from mine and eventually from his daughters. He knows that there are things he has never had to worry about or think about simply because he is a male. He knows there is a set of challenges in front of his daughters simply because they are female.
He gets to raise two strong women in the world and empower them to break through whatever it is society tells them they should and shouldn’t do or be. He gets to teach and model for his girls how they should be treated and respected by men. I dare say, he has found his own inner feminist the past few years. And it is awesome to have a partner like that in this journey.
We are living in a revolutionary time for women. For a long time there was an undisturbed status quo. Things that were just accepts as “the way it is.” When we get down to it, that was the real reason I didn’t envision having girls. I know the things I have experienced and dealt with, situations my female friends had dealt with, and I didn’t want my daughter(s) to have to go through those same experiences. A lot of these issues finally being brought to front and center. A lot of things that are finally being talked about. Yep, it is making people uncomfortable, especially men. Good. It is time to get uncomfortable. There is more work to do. But it is time for these things to change because we have a whole generation of girls growing up who deserve better.
Two girls. I can’t wait to see what doors open for them, and, even more, I can’t wait to see what doors they break down in their lifetime.
Real Always Wins 